Why Do I Make Art?

What is my why? Why do I make art?

It's an age old question that every artist attempts to answer. My answer has been a struggle for me. Over the years it has gotten easier to understand, I just do. I guess I still have no idea, and maybe the reason is insignificant. I have an inner desire that I have to feed.

We are all creative to some degree. The brain is hard-wired to be so. I guess the difference between an artist and someone else, is our choice to actively use our creativity. I choose to make art because I enjoy the process. It is fun to make things: the collection of information, the moment of inspiration, starting with simple materials, joining them, practicing with them, until you get them to do what you want, and that sense of accomplishment when you have made "it."

There is something to be said for the sense of freedom an artist feels. When creating, it is very liberating. There are no wrong answers, you don't have to follow the rules, and you can momentarily forget your worries, which can reduce stress. So I create, because the process brings me joy.
I suppose, there is a deep part of me like many artists that is trying to connect to others, that is trying to gain an understanding of the world, somedays its my coping mechanism, perhaps even my own therapist (it does cost money!). To make art is a parallel to my every day life. It is to practice living. You practice, struggle, grow, and repeat... practice, grow, and repeat... 

Then I step out into the world, and I see the good and beautiful things in the world. Because art helps me see them.

New Year - another day forward

To continue human life it's inevitable that we are constantly learning. The expectation is that we sometimes fail in the pursuit of success. We should expect that, however most of us have a hard time being ok with that. Failure is hard to swallow. Success is all of our desire. Each of our definition of success is different. 

In 2014, we moved to a place with out internet. I set aside my dream to be a designer to build a home for my family. While the few design projects I did complete, the few photo sessions I did make me happy, overall the year feels like I took a step backward in reaching what I love. 

My momentary distraction will not be the end. In the end I hope to accomplish many things. I'm seeking to find myself. The person who is not scatter brained. I'm seeking to focus on dreams and be a tiger who attacks every one of them. 

I can't say my "New Years resolution" is anything. I won't do that. My life resolution is to keep moving forward. To maintain better contact with my friends and family. To be the mother I see in my head, not the one that comes out when I'm far too busy and stressed. To continue to see my house become the home I see in my head. To eat healthier just to take care of my body. To work hard and making things happen. To have an art filled life. To create and create and create. To expand my knowledge and keep on doing what I love. If I could begin these things in 2015 I don't know how long but I could be well on my way to success. 

These words can become my actions. These words could help define my success. 

My wish for you is health and happiness in 2015 and into the rest of your future. 

2014 in the rear-view

I try to always look back on a year before jumping into a new one. I guess I do it often but that New Year day rolls around and I feel compelled to analyze. I feel this year was complete utter chaos but the results of it only can be described as fulfilling. 

The year started by looking for a house. We'd been looking for over a year, but had skipped over this one. I don't know why. But when we finally scheduled to see it, I was hooked. Thankfully my husband just agreed. It had the garage for him. The basement for me. The large yard for the puppies and space for all of us. The downside... One bathroom. We figured that was a small problem compared to the huge amount of promise it has. We bid on it. 

I also started the year with I'm gonna get healthy! I'm gonna find out why I've been sick for the past year. I figured a hormone imbalance. The doctor did too. Several tests were strange. Then he suggested a pregnancy test. Ha! I haven't been pregnant for a year! But the test was positive and the ultrasound was the next week just after they accepted the bid on the house... I was just 14 weeks pregnant due in July. 

So we began our year looking future in the face! Painting, remodeling and moving. New plumbing and a new furnace install. Trips back and forth to Utah because we picked our provider there to deliver at the University of Utah. We both worked and worked. I tried to take extra time with Heavyn while cooking our new baby. It was trying and exhausting, missing Calvin, nervous to even have another baby despite that I knew our baby would grow fine with me. 

Then we lost our Lucky. What a fine pup. The most sincere loving pitbull. A tragic loss for our family to really bring to light all the scary things on our mind right before having a baby. 

Spent some time in SLC incase this baby decided to debut early. But she stayed. July 21st - planned c section and the doctor said, "oh boy! It's a girl!" John response was... "I'm gonna need two shotguns now." She was perfect. Our little Morgan. 

Celebrating Morgan was easy, but also terribly hard. Every day I'm still missing her brother. Everything she does, he should've had the chance to do. 

We did good getting home except I was sick. Thought that acid reflux was still a major issue. You know that's why Morgan had a full head of hair. But it was much more serious. As the pain got worse and I couldn't hold anything down. The ER said my liver numbers were 6 figures. I was not doing so good. Back to the University of Utah on a plane. I had to wait a couple days with no food or drink to get my numbers down. John brought Morgan too. When I had my gallbladder removed for stone induced pancreatitis she had to be formula fed. Thankfully it was brief. After I healed from that too, life got better. 

So we ended the year spending lots of time with our girls and family. Christmas was amazing and I'm going into this new year ready. 

In my business, 2014 was trying. I did very little work this year. The move and baby and Heavyn were my priorities. But the art studio has seen some action and I'm ready. I'll tell you some 2015 goals in my next post. You can help keep me accountable.

Batik... Finally

There is not many people who understand what it is I do. Well most people know I'm creative and that I'm a graphic Designer and a photographer. However when I say I'm a "batik artist" usually it prompts looks of confusion. Well I want to help you understand. It's a fiber dye process with wax resist. Someday I'll post a step by step. 

So I started this one a while back before I even had a studio. So naturally when the studio took form I started on this piece. It was something just to get back in the groove. I remember the idea I first had for this piece and it turned out very different. Batik is like that though. Only so much I can control and some of the process is very organic in nature. When you boil off the wax it reveals an image underneath and you either love it or you don't. 

This piece was based on a fantasy place. A Castle not confined by the Earth or and it resided on. It was free floating in Space. A "Floating Castle". 

I was surprised to see the finished result. It has some imperfections. I am working on some things with my current batiks to improve in the future. Although I want to share it with you. 

By the way it is for sale in my etsy shop Nation Studios. It comes uv protected and ready to hang stretched over bars like a canvas. 

I guess it is a piece to remind me that I'm not confined by where I reside... I'm free to rule within my space. 

Hope you enjoy. Once again I hope to be more active here. 

Research-a-holic: How to successfully be a Graphic Designer

   I am finding more and more that I am my own worst critic, as well as my own worst enemy. I can research anything to death! I remember in high school, I could write one heck of an essay on any given topic. The teachers always spouted on about how the content was so well thought out. My english and grammar skills always could have used help. They still can to this day. The content was the results of the time I put in. The topics and my side of the conversation was never original. I could research anything to death! Today researching is taking away my ability to be creative. I found a Bernard Loomis quote that is exactly what I am doing. "The trouble with research is that it tells you what people were thinking about yesterday, not tomorrow. It's like driving a car using a rearview mirror." I am my own worst critic, and I am my own worst enemy. The research-a-holic in me can hold me back the rest of my life… 
     When deciding to go to college, which was a no brainer, the complex decision I had to make was "What do I want to be when I grow up?" At the time I thought I wanted to be a Microbiologist. If you knew me today you'd know just as much as I do that was an insane thought. There is no way this person I am could have been a Microbiologist! I am not an organized, detail oriented person. I tend to dress in the most comfortable and casual clothes I can find. I like to spend my days pretty close to by myself, with maybe a few family and friends. I don't write anything close to a lab report. The extent of my writing is like this; personal and from the heart. I just am not a Microbiologist. However, my boyfriend then, husband now helped me with how to decide, "What I wanted to be…" When I was registering for that first semester of college, and I voiced my concerns about not sure I was ready. He so thoughtfully gave me the best advice, "Start by taking a few classes that are just fun to you." So I did. The idea initially was that I would take a few classes that semester that were fun and then I'd get back on to what I "knew" I should be doing. Thus began my art career. 
     Today I am so grateful that I took that plunge. It only ever disappointed me once. My mom was disappointed about the financial aspect. It is so true, being an artist has never paid out like being a Microbiologist would have. The strong, independent, hard working, and creative woman I am has not let me be a starving artist though. 
      In college I survived via research-a-holic as well. It was only occasionally I took the "screw it, be creative" approach. The critiques always came up with better responses on the creative approaches though. I just have trust issues with myself. If there is not a well thought out plan, it can't be right! The research-a-holic in me has always had me looking backwards, hoping that if I find something concrete, I will be able to make the shift forward. I am an information junkie, who never follows through using the information!
     Research-a-holic in me right now cannot find an answer to the question. I have read books in the last couple years, blog posts, google searched the questions again and again… There really has not been an answer. I keep hoping that some great Graphic Designer out there has given me the step by step. I keep looking for the written plan. Someone to tell me first you do this, and then you do this, and when you get to this step, you are a successful and well marketed Graphic Designer doing what you love. 
     There is no question that this is what I love. There is no question that I want to find a way. In fact, I am quite certain I know what the answer is. I just haven't been able to take the plunge. You tell me if I am right or wrong. The answer is, there is no step-by-step. The answer is that those other Graphic Designer's did it their own way. That their way is no guarantee that it would be my way anyhow. That I am alone on this journey, and I have to just take the plunge. I have to dedicate myself every single day to what I love and want. The success will come. "The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." Sven Goran Eriksson said. 
     I am terrified to fail. Today it isn't just me and my boyfriend deciding what classes to take. Today affects my whole future. Today affects my family. If I fail... I fail myself, and everything I know and love. Why can't I just research it to death?

Loss- Going through the Motions

     It was just over two years ago that I lost my first born son. I lost him the very day I was supposed to have him. Delivery was hard on both of us, and even harder on him. Here I am two years later and just about to give birth to his little sister or brother. Loss is hard. Hard when it happens. Hard in the after math. Hard every single day.

     Last week, our family lost our pet. He was family. He was not old, or sickly, or anything close to letting us know it was time to say good bye already. Just merely 4 years old, a 120 lb. Pit Bull Terrier who filled all of our hearts. I was already having a tough week. The reality of our son Calvin's loss was sneaking up on me again as we are approaching having a new baby. I came home from work with my husband letting me know that he was hit by a car. It has torn us all apart.

     We know that getting though these things can happen. We know how hard this road is to travel. We already are so emotional just trying to bring our baby home this time. Lucky our dog was one of the things we had that helped us through Calvin.

     I could write a book about everything Lucky was, but right now. I still am checking the yard for him to be running around. I still am looking in our daughter's bed for him to be snuggled up to her and dressed in some ridiculous outfit. I am still listening for the snoring on the couch, the barks to come inside, and the cute talk he did to ask for food or treats.
     
We are just going through the motions again. Time is too short. Once again I am reminded why I really need to get things together. Time is too short.

Back at it…

     I've said it before… and I am sure it won't even be the last time. Life is chaos, full of crazy twists and turns, you never know where you are going to end up.     That is exactly what happened since my last blog post. I guess I won't be one of those people that makes a huge following based on my blog. I am amazed at the blogs I follow and how they are able to put a post up daily/weekly. Ideally I'd love to be able to get to it weekly. Perhaps in my future I will be that organized.     My last post was Thanksgiving! Can you imagine all that has happened in that time… well I know. Christmas came and went, and we were very blessed to have family and friends to love us and spend the day with us, but also presents! I had mentioned in my last post a brief struggle I was experiencing with my health. The struggle lasted almost a year, but is for the most part fixed up, more about that in a minute. John and I were able to be on the house hunt for almost two years! Finally, finally we stumbled across a diamond in the rough. When I say rough I mean it. January we looked at this house, and it just spoke to me. Over 100 years old, overgrown and needing love. My wonderful husband doesn't doubt me at all, and put in a bid on the house that will probably be his nightmare for the next several years!      Just one week later the doctor calls about my tests… they are irregular results, but he'd like to have me take a pregnancy test. Ok, I know I have not been pregnant for the last year… I am not an elephant. That test comes back positive though… hmm. I was a little perplexed, and scared. We scheduled an ultrasound, and as soon as the tech put an image up on the screen there was indeed a tiny person in there! I didn't have one of those little blobs with a heart beat… oh no, a full person. 14 weeks pregnant! I don't know how I missed it. All I know is the first time you see your child's heartbeat with your first child your heart grows. But, if you lose your first child and you know exactly how precious that little beat is… your second child's heart beat makes your heart swell with joy, tears, and happiness… in a way that I can never explain.      That same week they accepted our bid on the house. Didn't I just mention how it was going to be John's worse nightmare. The house has tremendous potential, but it needs A LOT of love. Since we closed on the house we were able to have the whole inside painted. John tore the bathroom completely out and down to studs and we reconfigured it so it was more functional. John re-did all the waste lines and water lines in the house. Then the basement filled with clean water… So we found out the waste line to the main in the road was done for. So we had a company come in and dig out our front yard and replace those lines. We had a small issue with the dogs and existing fence, so John has had to put in a temporary fence until we can get the wood fence we want. Because we are not only giving this house love we are making a baby, which will come home very soon! Now we are having the furnace replaced. It all has to slow down some time.     In all of the house buying and home making we also hit another problem. Despite my check to make sure I had internet at the new house before putting in a bid… there was actually not internet here. So from March til recently I was without internet and without my computer for the most part. Does any one realize how much we rely on these things?! How does a graphic designer finish any design these days without a computer! Thankfully patience has paid off, and we are back!     I think I am starting all over again. So if you go back and read my blog We got here how? I am right back there again. This time I am starting as a 35 week pregnant woman! Who is a C-Mama expecting to have a baby in less than 4 weeks now! I tell myself over and over, This life is chaos, full of crazy twists and turns, but I am in control, and I can do anything! I'll keep repeating that until it comes true.Planning to be back sooner than later,Amber