I am finding more and more that I am my own worst critic, as well as my own worst enemy. I can research anything to death! I remember in high school, I could write one heck of an essay on any given topic. The teachers always spouted on about how the content was so well thought out. My english and grammar skills always could have used help. They still can to this day. The content was the results of the time I put in. The topics and my side of the conversation was never original. I could research anything to death! Today researching is taking away my ability to be creative. I found a Bernard Loomis quote that is exactly what I am doing. "The trouble with research is that it tells you what people were thinking about yesterday, not tomorrow. It's like driving a car using a rearview mirror." I am my own worst critic, and I am my own worst enemy. The research-a-holic in me can hold me back the rest of my life…
When deciding to go to college, which was a no brainer, the complex decision I had to make was "What do I want to be when I grow up?" At the time I thought I wanted to be a Microbiologist. If you knew me today you'd know just as much as I do that was an insane thought. There is no way this person I am could have been a Microbiologist! I am not an organized, detail oriented person. I tend to dress in the most comfortable and casual clothes I can find. I like to spend my days pretty close to by myself, with maybe a few family and friends. I don't write anything close to a lab report. The extent of my writing is like this; personal and from the heart. I just am not a Microbiologist. However, my boyfriend then, husband now helped me with how to decide, "What I wanted to be…" When I was registering for that first semester of college, and I voiced my concerns about not sure I was ready. He so thoughtfully gave me the best advice, "Start by taking a few classes that are just fun to you." So I did. The idea initially was that I would take a few classes that semester that were fun and then I'd get back on to what I "knew" I should be doing. Thus began my art career.
Today I am so grateful that I took that plunge. It only ever disappointed me once. My mom was disappointed about the financial aspect. It is so true, being an artist has never paid out like being a Microbiologist would have. The strong, independent, hard working, and creative woman I am has not let me be a starving artist though.
In college I survived via research-a-holic as well. It was only occasionally I took the "screw it, be creative" approach. The critiques always came up with better responses on the creative approaches though. I just have trust issues with myself. If there is not a well thought out plan, it can't be right! The research-a-holic in me has always had me looking backwards, hoping that if I find something concrete, I will be able to make the shift forward. I am an information junkie, who never follows through using the information!
Research-a-holic in me right now cannot find an answer to the question. I have read books in the last couple years, blog posts, google searched the questions again and again… There really has not been an answer. I keep hoping that some great Graphic Designer out there has given me the step by step. I keep looking for the written plan. Someone to tell me first you do this, and then you do this, and when you get to this step, you are a successful and well marketed Graphic Designer doing what you love.
There is no question that this is what I love. There is no question that I want to find a way. In fact, I am quite certain I know what the answer is. I just haven't been able to take the plunge. You tell me if I am right or wrong. The answer is, there is no step-by-step. The answer is that those other Graphic Designer's did it their own way. That their way is no guarantee that it would be my way anyhow. That I am alone on this journey, and I have to just take the plunge. I have to dedicate myself every single day to what I love and want. The success will come. "The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." Sven Goran Eriksson said.
I am terrified to fail. Today it isn't just me and my boyfriend deciding what classes to take. Today affects my whole future. Today affects my family. If I fail... I fail myself, and everything I know and love. Why can't I just research it to death?
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